How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Im part way to drunk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
