I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Someone shattered a urinal.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
