oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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