from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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