i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
