went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My ass is underappreciated
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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