Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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