So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
