My hand turned me down
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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