If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
