12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
