I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
