How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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