i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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