I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
