jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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