I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
