yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
