The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
