then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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