Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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