I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
