the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That accounts for only three of the penises
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
