i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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