You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
