If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
