so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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