oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
