My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
