I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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