Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
