Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
