I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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