"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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