Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
