Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
