yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize