i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
