she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
