my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
