Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
