things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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