Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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