if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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