After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
