We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
