i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
3pm strippers are depressing
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
