What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
