A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry about my life...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
