you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
