at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
