I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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