P.S. I can't hear my feet
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
