I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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