Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize