I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
