why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
