is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
