There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize